“Zombie BotPocalypse”

A computer virus is set to attack America’s lonely hearts just ahead of Valentine’s Day. According to IBM, an aggressive robot network of six-million “zombie bots” will be let loose this week. IBM’s X-Force, which tracks down cyber threats says 230-million spam messages dressed up as dating ads have been slamming email inboxes with the virus.

During Valentine’s week, X-Force suspects the bots to increase. This attributed to a notorious botnet, Necurs. In a statement, the folks at X-Force say, “Preying on seasonal trends is probably the top characteristic of email spam. Those behind this campaign will likely lure their victims to share revealing photos and extort them, ask for money to come visit, or end up infecting them with malware.”

How can you avoid getting scammed? Look for bad grammar and spot if an email return address differs from the arrival email address. The New York Post also says to look for too-good-to-be-true come-ons.

“A Day Better Than Sliced Bread”

Missouri lawmakers are considering marking an official day for slice bread. A bill is pending in the state House to designate July 7th as Missouri Sliced Bread Day. Supporters say this will help promote tourism in the northern Missouri city of Chillicothe, where the first commercially sliced bread was sold on July 7th, 1928. The city holds a Sliced Bread and Jam Bluegrass Festival every year as part of celebrations. The bill is still up for final vote in the House and if approved needs to pass the Senate. If it does, this would be the best thing to happen in Chillicothe since… well… sliced bread.

“AWOL Vacation”

The good news – a missing Ft. Bragg family has been found at a campsite in Rhea, Tennessee. Deanna and Travis Reynolds, along with their 19-month-old son Cooper were last seen visiting family in Utica, New York a few weeks ago. After brief communication with Deanna’s father, Scott, they apparently fell off the grid after saying they were headed for Niagra Falls. The bad news – officials have confirmed that Travis has been AWOL from the base for about a month. Police do not suspect foul play.

STUPID CRIMINALS:

• Police in Utah have arrested a man who broke into a public safety building using empty vodka bottles. Once in, Siosifa Lolohea reportedly meditated on the floor in the station until cops arrived. When they got there, Lolohea was described as “incoherent” and making strange statements about “looking for Jesus” and “nice shoes.” Lolohea was reportedly upset the police were messing with his meditation time. Lt. Craig Martinez notes that there was a doorbell Lolohea could have used.
• Police Arrest “Obit Bandit”: Massachusetts police have arrested Randy Brunelle for breaking into people’s homes while they attended wakes and funerals. The “Obit Bandit” was a suspect in a series of break-ins on Cape Cod. He has previously served an 18-month prison sentence for breaking into a police officer’s home as the officer attended his mother’s funeral. Brunelle is facing multiple charges including felony breaking and entering.
• A Californian women claims thieves took the 500 cockroaches she ordered. Rosalinda Vizina is an entomologist, or someone who studies insects. She ordered the roaches for a project, but the box they were contained in was stolen. It’s believed the thieves were looking for tax forms to make bank off of this season. Vizina says, “I feel bad for the roaches in case they got smushed or tossed or something like that. For the thieves, I hope they went everywhere.” Us, too.

“Impersonal”

As the 2018 Winter Olympics commence in Pyeongchang, leaders from around the world, including Vice President Mike Pence and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe gathered at the opening ceremony. President Donald Trump and Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un weren’t among the attendees… or were they? Not exactly.

Turns out, they were impersonating diminutive dictator Jong-un and President Trump at the opening ceremony. Trump’s impersonator even donned an extra long tie and USA cap, but it was their taking of many selfies and causing a ruckus that got them kicked out.

The names of the impersonators have yet to be revealed.

“American and Americaner”

Team USA’s Olympic uniform is cause for talk after folks on the Internet noticed something familiar about the gloves. It appears the gloves look strikingly similar to the gloves worn by Jim Carrey’s character Lloyd Christmas in “Dumb and Dumber.” Tons of people have turned the gloves into a meme after the 2018 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony.

The uniforms were designed by Polo Ralph Lauren and feature modern details and updated fabric. They even include battery-powered heaters.

“Now Accepting Bitcoin”

Arizona legislators have proposed a bill to accept Bitcoin as currency for tax payments. If the bill passes, Arizona would become the first state in the country to accept digital currency payments. The bill would allow income taxes to be paid in Bitcoin or other cryptocurrency approved by the Arizona Department of Revenue starting in 2020.

The bill has already passed the senate and has moved to the house for consideration. Of course there are concerns about the proposal. For one the value of the Bitcoin has fluctuated over the last few months, which would make it difficult to convert to U.S. dollars.

Senator Warren Peterson, who is sponsoring the bill claims this bill was needed to give tax payers options. He says, “This is all about ease and convenience. Here in government we are here to serve the people.”

“Continent Vs. Country”

An online professor has been replaced after incorrectly telling a student Australia isn’t a country and giving her a failing grade. Her assignment was to compare American social norms to that of another country. She chose Australia, but the professor gave her a zero, saying Australia is a continent, not a country. It’s actually both. Southern New Hampshire University says it deeply regrets the interaction between the professor and student and also wished athletes from Australia good luck in the Olympic games.

STUPID CRIMINALS:

• An NYPD cop is in hot water after sending texts to his buddy about drinking on the job. Turns out his buddy’s phone was wiretapped. Detective Ted Holoway was in the middle of a buy and bust operation. While texting his friend Paul Barone, the two joked about drinking on the job and Holoway even offered up a PBA card to Barone. Holoway divulged the suspects name and charged with improperly using his cell phone while on duty. He’s been demoted to police officer.
• Canadian officers have ticketed a man for speeding and crossing in the high-occupancy vehicle lanes without signaling. Upon pulling the van driver over, they discovered yet another violation. The man was using a mannequin, seated in his passenger seat, as a means to use the high-occupancy vehicle lane. The mannequin was dressed in a wig, sunglasses and sweatshirt. Police say, “The driver of the vehicle was issued several tickets for the alleged offenses and the passenger, who did not protest was given a ride to her new home… in a police car.”

“Angry Moms”

Two Washington mothers are furious after their toddlers came home from daycare with freshly waxed brows. They claim someone at the daycare waxed their children’s faces, removing their unibrows.

Alyssa Salgado says she noticed the missing patch of hair after picking her daughter Lilayiah that evening from a college campus. “I got a closer look and I saw she was missing her patch of hair,” offers Salgado. “She has a unibrow and she was born like that.”

Glenda Maria Cruz also claims her son’s unibrow was waxed that same day. “I tried to touch his face. He says, No, no, stop,” notes Cruz. “It hurts me because that’s my baby.” The daycare, run by the Boys and Girls Club, says it “takes these allegations seriously and will work to support the investigation process.”

STUPID CRIMINALS:

“Bad Drawing Helps Catch Bad Guy”

This is a RIDICULOUS way for a criminal to get caught right here. A guy stole some cash at a farmer’s market in Lancaster, Pennsylvania last week, and then he took off.

Fortunately, there was a witness who offered to try to draw a sketch of the guy. UNFORTUNATELY, that witness was terrible at drawing.

So they drew a hilariously bad cartoon version of the thief’s face.

BUT . . . believe it or not, one of the detectives thought he might have a hunch who it was, based on the sketch. So he put together a photo lineup for the witness to look through, and they identified the guy who the detective thought it might be.

He’s a 44-year-old guy named Hung Pook Goyen, and now he’s facing a misdemeanor charge of theft by unlawful taking. The cops are trying to track him down.

You can check out a photo of the guy and the sketch and compare ’em for yourself at the Bob’s Morning Brew Facebook page.

“Lost Composure Over Kosher”

An Ohio woman was arrested for menacing after an argument over hot dogs. The woman started threatening an employee and was using her phone to take pictures of her. The threats came after the employee couldn’t confirm if the store’s hot dogs contained pork.

“Exploding Toilet is No Laughing Matter”

Kenneth Capo was arrested in Florida for blowing up a McDonald’s toilet back in August. By blowing up, we mean actual fire, not number two. He set off the explosion, which destroyed the toilet and part of the bathroom. Now, State Attorney Aramis Ayala says they have decided to not move forward with the case. Her office determined that the case was not suitable for prosecution.

OFFBEAT NEWS:

In case you missed it, “Live & Let Fly” reported earlier this week that an unnamed United Airlines traveler tried bringing her emotional support peacock on a flight out of Newark’s Liberty Airport. Her request was shot down – even though she had a second ticket for it, but the airline still denied the bird board because of concerns about passenger safety.

United says the “animal did not meet the guidelines for a number of reasons, including its weight and size.” But they also say this shouldn’t have been a shock as they told the customer that on three separate occasions (in advance) that her bird wasn’t gonna fly with them.

So what happened? The woman – now identified as New York artist Ventiko, says some “human friends” agreed to drive her and Dexter on the thousand-mile journey. And are we shocked to hear that Dexter has his own Instagram account? Of course not.

A Vietnamese airline is apologizing for an “improvised performance” by its flight attendants, news outlets have reported. The airline crew reportedly stripped down to bikinis and underwear to welcome home a national soccer team that didn’t even win their match. The airline has previously used attendants in bikinis to attract customers, but claims this wasn’t a marketing ploy. They were hit with a small fine and a slap on the wrist from Vietnam’s civil aviation agency.

The first thing to do when it snows is to throw salt on the roads, but some states are starting to think the salt is contaminating waterways. Their solution? Beet juice, and in some cases, BEER! Experts think that the sodium being added to the water from the roads are making fresh water lakes an rivers unsustainable for aquatic life. Not so sure if beet juice, molasses, beer, and for Wisconsin, cheese brine will resolve that issue…but it doesn’t tear up the bottom of your car, so yay!

STUPID CRIMINALS:

• An Alabama man has been busted with a large amount of meth found inside a fake soda can. Thomas Wayne Wilemon was spotted driving his car at a gas station when police realized there was a warrant out for his arrest. They found a small bag of meth in Wileman’s pocket and a fake soda can with a false bottom containing 30 grams of meth, several needles, an assortment of pills, and digital scales. How big was this “soda can?”
• An unnamed 20-year-old Seattle man was arrested after robbing a Pizza Hut delivery driver. He and another man allegedly called in an order under an alias to have the food delivered, but when the delivery girl got there, she was given the run around and eventually robbed of the pizza at gunpoint. She’s fine, but here’s the best part: Pizza Hut tracked down the culprit… because he used the same phone number to order pizza a few days prior. It STILL gets better! When cops arrived at his door they say they smelled marijuana, heard loud music and announced themselves. That’s when they they heard a voice inside saying, “Don’t answer.” Bad move. He was arrested on robbery and assault charges.
• A nursing home is under investigation after a resident offered a staff member a THC-laced Oreo. The cookies were supposedly from Michigan and help “manage his pain.” He wouldn’t reveal who brought the cookies to him, but about 20 were seized and destroyed. Any arrests in the case will hinge on findings of the investigation, which will focus on the source of the cookies.

To hear more ‘Offbeat News’, tune into The Morning Brew with Bob Allen on KMZN 99.5FM/740AM or follow him on Facebook.

OFFBEAT NEWS:

A Frankfurt judge has made an unusual ruling after a woman sued her neighbor for close to $5,000 in damages to her car from fallen walnuts. According to the woman, walnuts and branches from the tree fell onto her vehicle due to strong winds in October 2013 “causing dents to the body, hood and roof.”

She then sued her neighbor to cover the cost of repairs. The defendant argued that the branches of the walnut tree extended into the woman’s property and he regularly cut back the branches.

The judge made probably the best court ruling to date, by stating walnut trees must shed their nuts as the autumnal occurrence is a “fact of nature” and must be tolerated. The woman also has to pay the cost of the court case.

A Russian mom must be in a lot of pain after delivering a nearly 14 pound baby. The mom of now five, reportedly delivered the super-size tot without any painkillers. The baby came out at 13 pounds, 14 ounce which is basically twice the size of an average baby.

According to the medical team the baby already has problems with hearing and other problems may occur in the future. The craziest thing is that this isn’t even the heaviest newborn. According to Guinness World Records, the heaviest newborn was delivered by Italian Carmelina Fedele in 1955 and weighed in at 22 pounds.

UK homeowner Carl Betson is certainly adding some curb appeal to his home with new decking, but what he hides underneath may shock future owners. Betson purchased a fake skeleton and placed it underneath the decking in hopes to creep out the next owners!

“This is going to be sooooo funny in around 30 years time when the next guy replaces the decking,” Betson jokes. He posted about his prank on Facebook where some of his friends wished they’d thought of it themselves and others not so much. One bubble burster thinks it will be “hilarious” when the taxpayers money is wasted on a forensic investigation.

Good news is the prank only cost Betson around $2.50. Bad news is that he’ll never see the joke to fruition. No bones about it, this prank would be legendary if he can pull it off! Though he may not know until his own after-life.

The Flat Earth International Conference took place in North Carolina recently and they’re “proving” that NASA is a fraud and all world governments are lying to us. One conference speaker, Rob Skiba believes that “the bigger picture many have come to believe is hiding god.”

STUPID CRIMINALS:

German police say two truck trailers with 44 tons of chocolate were stolen and that they’re stumped as to who did it. While one was recovered with the load intact, the other was found near the French border France with two thirds of the loot missing. And get this – it’s reported the chocolate was worth nearly a half million dollars. The investigation continues.

Catch more news from The Morning Brew with Bob Allen on his Facebook page or tune in weekday mornings to follow along.