OFFBEAT NEWS:

Man Leaves Note And Beer After Attempted Break In

We’ve all done some regrettable things after a few too many drinks, but Cliff from Nova Scotia may take the cake. After some heavy boozing, he tried to break into Caitlynne Hines’ apartment. No, he wasn’t some kind of drunken criminal. Instead, he thought Hines’ house was where his friend was staying.

“I’m the guy who was relentlessly (and very drunkenly) trying to get into your house last night,” Cliff wrote in his note. “I sincerely apologize for waking you up and being so disorderly in the middle of the night.”

For what it’s worth, Hines’ forgives him. “It kind of clicked with me immediately once I recognized the box, and I just said ‘oh my god I think it’s apology beer,’” she remembers. “And we laughed for a good while over the note that was tucked inside.”

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Woman Finds An Iguana In Her Toilet

A woman went to use the bathroom before going to bed and found an unwelcome house guest: a live iguana in her toilet. Presumably in a panic, the unidentified West Kendall, Florida woman called 911.

Lieutenant Scott Mullin, from Miami-Dade Fire Rescue’s Venom One unit, made the dispatcher double check there wasn’t actually a snake in the john. As he puts it, “This is the first time I’ve ever found an iguana in the toilet.”

Mullin retrieved the lizard and sent it off to an animal rescue center. As for how it made its way into the latrine, he figures it crawled up the pipes.

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STUPID CRIMINALS:

Drunk driver had lizard stuffed in her bra:

A 39-year-old woman had a blood alcohol level nearly twice the legal limit when she drove off the road, smashing into several mailboxes. This wasn’t an average drunk driving case, though. Instead Taunton, Massachusetts discovered the unidentified woman had a bearded dragon stuffed in her bra. The lizard has been taken in by animal control while the driver’s male passenger was arrested after police officers discovered a pellet gun tucked into his waistband.

Teenager sets fire, then pees on ATM:

To one 19-year-old in China, revenge involves fire and urine. The teenager, identified by his surname Li, was caught on camera setting fire to an ATM at a Shanghai bank. When the flames got too big, he tried to blow out the fire. That obviously didn’t work so he unzipped his pants and peed on the blaze. Police were able to identify Li from the security camera footage. His reasoning? He told police he had recently been fired and “since I don’t have any money, I want to make sure that other people can’t get their money either.” Sounds legit.

Father accused of drunken tirade, letting child get sunburned at Disney:

Some people are not meant to be fathers. Take Brian Keith Olmstead, for example. The 35-year-old was visiting Disney World with his children when he used the stroller he had to plow through crowds while using racial slurs. What’s more, Olmstead then sat at the pool and got drunk while his child got sunburned in the stroller next to him. But wait, there’s more! After being escorted back to his room, Olmstead returned to the food court area, where several people complained he was threatening them with violence. Some how, there’s even more. Olmstead was removed from his hotel and put in a cop car, where he told officers Donald Trump was going to kill them. Olmstead is now facing child neglect charges as the tot was found in a dirty diaper with first- and second-degree burns to his feet. And are we surprised that he’s got a record? Nnnnope.